You know that feeling you get when you find out it’s over? That your significant other is no longer in love with you and is looking to move on? The emotions that fill you when you learn this news? You have no idea how to react? What to say? What to do? And what do you do next? Where do you go? Do you leave in anger or amicably? Do you hate the person? Or try to move on? Are you ready to move on? And what about all those words you need to say, but don’t know how to say them anymore? When it’s Over, what do you do?
October 30th 2017, at 10am, my then husband spoke to me, while preparing supper for the afternoon, I work from home, so I had my office set up in the dinning room. He told me that during his trip to Cuba, he started speaking to someone that gave him feelings. He said he didn’t do anything with her, but the feeling he got, he wanted that again. And told me that once we sell the house, we should go our separate ways because he wanted to travel and meet someone who turns him on. It left me in total, utter shock, but at the same time, I wasn’t surprised. We haven’t been strong, and haven’t been working on our relationship for years. It was constant bickering, and the love wasn’t the same. But even as I knew, it still surprised me. And it still hurt like a SOB. We have two small children, our son wasn’t even 2 years old. Although I worked, I didn’t have the same income, and I was wondering how I would survive. All these “omgs” appeared. Where do I go? How will I be able to afford it? Can I do it alone? Be a single mom already? The burden got heavier and heavier. And the emotions, oh my gosh, the emotions that I dealt with, and still do to this day. It is NOT easy, and it’s not meant to be easy. There is always one person who struggles more than the other I believe. But that’s only what I’m experiencing from my personal side. Everyone is different, this is my story, and this might, or might not, resonate with you.
I have been on my own since March 30th, and although my ex did rotations and I was used to being with the kids 2 weeks out of 4, it wasn’t the same. At this time, I have the kids 2 weeks straight, and 8 days out of the other 14 days, so I have them 22 days out of 28. It’s a lot for me at this time. I didn’t have the time off to work on me, and to get over the news. I still had to work Monday to Friday, and be a present mom for my kids. And although it kept my mind busy, I was not able to process it all, I had to spread it out when I had time, causing exhaustion. As a mom, you know it’s exhausted on it’s own raising young children. I had my children when I was older, and I see it taking a toll on my body. You do not bounce back like when you were 20. You know, those days when you would go to school, work, party, work, go to school, socialize, etc… you HAD the energy. To me, it’s just not there anymore. So after 9 months, I am still beyond exhausted. And unfortunately it shows. I have not had time to work on me, and have not looked to dating. In fact, it is the last thing on my mind right now, because I know I need to work on me. But I won’t lie, to see him happy, with his new girlfriend that he’s had for a while, and traveling, really pisses me off. I am downright jealous that he is getting what he wants as I have been tossed aside, got bored of. These are the emotions you go through, you feel like trash, you are angry, hurt, sad, depressed, confused. And he will NEVER know just how my feelings are, because I don’t want to make drama of it. And I am not posting my anger and everything I found out on social media, nor how he hurt me, because I don’t want to continue a toxic relationship. From day one, I have told myself “Everything happens for a reason”. It’s what I go by on, and what helps me grow through it. I have my good days, things are getting better, but I still need that time for me. I need to take advantage of that time and work on me. And I think that’s what’s important for everyone to do.
I have seen the opposite spectrum of reacting to a divorce, the absolute opposite, the person who after 25 years, it STILL not over the separation. The person who has become so negative that it’s toxic. You do not want to be around them, because when you leave, you are filled with negative emotions. And no matter how recent my separation, I will NEVER talk to them, because they will NEVER tell me it’s going to be ok, because they don’t see it. Their journey ended when they were separated. They refused to see what things could have came. So bad, that they pushed everyone out of their lives, including their children. Was this person happy in the relationship? Heck no!! They were MISERABLE. But this person didn’t want to see it, even though it was for the best of them.
You can NOT spend your life in a toxic relationship, no matter what. And you can NOT spend your life unhappy and not in love just for the sake of habit. Everyone has a journey, and everyone’s journey is different. Things happen for a reason, and although it’s hard to believe at this time, it will appear if you let them. If you live your life with an open mind. The people who come into your life are there for a reason, even relationships. I know some are extremely difficult and abusive, and that is a subject that I have not gone through, and will not give my point of view on that, it is not my place. But I have gone through a normal separation, a separation of two people who just weren’t at the same level anymore. Two people who just weren’t meant for each other anymore. Two people who needed to part. We had our amazing times, and we made some pretty amazing children. If I would have left before our children, I probably wouldn’t have had any, or at least these two precious babies. I couldn’t have asked for more amazing children than the ones we created together. We have parted, but we have given each other two amazing gifts that we both hold dearly.
It is completely normal to pass through emotions and wonder what next. It is completely normal that every little thing, you will feel something. And it is completely normal that you will have days where you don’t know how you will pull through. But, you have to. You can NOT stop your life for a person who is only meant to be part of your journey. They are meant to help you grow. Those who spend the rest of their lives together, and are happy, that is amazing, and so something to be proud of. But not everyone’s journey is like that, it’s unfortunate to say, but it is the truth. But you can find that happy ever after, if you allow happiness to continue in your life. Do NOT shut yourself out, do not miss out on life. We will always have challenges and hardships, but it is what will make us proud of who we are once we have passed these struggles. We will be able to look at how far we have become, and see what real happiness is. And if you have children, work to make life better for them. Do NOT use them to get back at your ex. Do not use them when you are angry at your ex. Do not use them to manipulate your ex, they do not deserve it, and I promise you, it WILL backfire. They deserve both parents, do not try to break that from them if they have a good father/mother. Do not make it awkward for them if they want to invite both of you at their special events, suppers, weddings, etc… Remember that they need both of you.
Separations/Divorces are never easy. But if you go through thinking it will be ok, and things will come into place, then you will see it much sooner. Learn from this journey, it can help you lead towards the right path. Look for that happiness again, because we only have one life, and being happy is absolutely amazing. Keep those who have been there for you close, do NOT shut them out. And if you have to, write letters, journals, don’t share them, but just write out your feelings. I know from experience, it has helped me. I did write a letter to my ex, I needed to get it out, and I did give it to him. But don’t let it linger, and don’t do it constantly, because you will stay miserable. Do not stay in that toxicity. And When it’s Over, it’s over. Learn from your mistakes, learn what you did and didn’t like, and look for what you want in your next relationship.
When it’s Over by,